8th October 2012.

Weight: 8stone 6lbs.
Height: 165cm
Mental status: Fucked.

Reading my last post I can't believe I was nine stone three a few months ago. And now I am far less and just as unhappy.

I have no more to remark on this subject only that I am not even living any more. I am counting calories and living one day to the next based on food and diet. You can not begin to imagine how awful it feels until you have gone through it yourself.

I feel nothing but hunger and it hurts. 

30 April 2012 [Late post]

30 April 2012.

I feel ashamed, fat and horrible. I’ve gained 3lbs. I’m now 9 stone 3.4 and a whale. I can see the fat appearing places it wasn’t a few days ago, I can feel my jeans tighter and people looking at me. They must be thinking ‘Jesus, she’s put on weight!’

I’ve not eaten yet today and I am doing my upmost not to. I’ve only taste tested my soup so as not to fuck things up tomorrow. I need the grades and I can’t let my eating ruin this for me.

I’m here until 3.30 and then it’s on to work where the avoidance of food will be extremely hard to do, not because I will crave it, but because my grandma is there. Ryan’s tonight will be difficult as well – but I can’t give in. I have water, I have gum and I have my willpower – I need to remember what I am moving towards; 50kilos.

I have considered trying to banish my disordered eating for good, but what if I do and then I start not caring and eating like a pig? What if it’s true what they say; relationships put weight on you? I bought books, want to do out colour charts and pages to help me recorded things and get over this alone but I know it won’t work.  I just want this weight off; I want to be what I was before. I was so pretty, so thin and almost perfect.

I’ve been checking if I’m a good weight for my height and some charts tell me that I am slightly overweight and some don’t. I’m currently a BMI of 20.4 and so desperately want to be below 18. I don’t know which calculations to believe or which charts to read.

I don’t want to be made eat or looked at or watched. I just want to be left alone to do my own thing - yes I may be fucking with my future but I’d rather be skinny than a fat mess.

I’ve been fidgeting and chewing and drinking water as much as I can in order to lose some weight. I brought no money for food so I couldn’t buy it even if I wanted to. Think of the money I’ll save off food!? Think of what I can buy with that money!? And what if I totally give up the booze – think of the money saved and the calories?! But I am a young woman after all with a social group of drinkers. I enjoy the feeling of being extremely drunk – perhaps I can find some other way to get that feeling rather than having to consume the calories?

I need to step up my game and try harder. I can’t be a whale anymore.

I’ve stopped drinking coffee, started downing water and moving my hands and feet a lot more when sitting still. I’m going to cut out white bread from my diet, even if it’s all Ryan has in the house. No crisps – even diet ones. No fizzy drinks, no juice, no brown sugar in my tea and no ‘treats.’ Once you treat yourself it escalates into a binge. 

If you try sometimes?

Apparently hard work, sufferance and down right getting - the - fucking - grades isn't enough any more. Since when did everything become so fucking hard?

I've tried so hard to get on to Environmental Health because it's some thing I can see myself doing in the future. I refuse to be in a job I hate or a course I hate. (If I was entirely honest with myself I want to, with all my heart, write a book or become a counsellor but that's not going to happen because those things don't matter in the eyes of the person who will be helping me through university. Apparently I miss-understood and thought this was my life, but that's a different topic for a different time.)


I need this course to get out of here which is what I, without a doubt, need so badly. I thought it wasn't all as bad as it seemed because my head was going a mile a minute but my head is still moving too quickly and I see no future for me without it.

I suppose I had this one life line, well two, and now that it's getting further away I either chase it with all I have or lie down and kill myself. At the moment I am going for the latter because I'm tired and annoyed and just so mentally exhausted that my body is beginning to hurt. And it doesn't help living in a house with a woman who continually takes things the wrong way and shouts and deals with things like a bull.

I don't see any future with out this course. I'll just have to leave, switch off my mobile and not come home ever. It has always been my plan anyway.

It's just one blow after another for me.

Cancer.

We “need” cancer because, by the very fact of its incurability, it makes all other diseases, however virulent, not cancer.
If you’re going through hell, keep going…


If you think about it, which I know I shouldn't,
Cancer is a horrible thing. It's scary and omnious like many things in our lives.
However, come hell or high water, if you don't have cancer - you should really be rejouicing.
Because even with the kemo cancer is kinda like a cold sore; it almost always comes back.

She can be like all the other girls, just like all the other girls.

As much as I wish my anorexia was gone, it's not. I'm in good place. I have a lovely boyfriend, great friends, a social life and I am doing reasonably at school; but my weight is bothering me. 

It's not like I have a choice to feel like this; I don't. I am trying so hard but I can't see what they see. I need to be smaller. I constantly feel that if I'm not thin then I have nothing else. 

I won't throw up because as much as I really want to every time I eat, I can't. My teeth are fucked as they are, my knuckles would scar again. Besides, I've tried but I can never find the right time or get the gag to work. 

Why isn't this easier? 

It wasn't that long ago really...

I took a shower and I just sat there, in the warm water for about 15 minutes and cried. I don’t know what it was about. I just cried.

I feel so sad. 

Sometimes I feel like my problems, what I am feeling and going through, aren’t real. That this sadness is just me being messed up. I feel like my mind is doing this on purpose. I don’t know what I feel.

I lie awake and think about it and then I don’t sleep. It’s sometimes too much.

Then today in glass all I could think about was stealing a surgical knife and hacking at myself until I could feel nothing. I haven’t felt that self destructive in a long time. I’ve been good and now I feel horrible. 

I want to starve and bled and waste away. I don’t want to be here. But I don’t want to leave. This world is horrible. 

Finally I realize I have only been in love the once. And it hurt so much that I can’t possibly let anyone that close again. 

And it still hurts. 

22.14

After spending the entire day with my feet behind James' back and about a dozen cups of coffee, while watching Merlin, I am exhausted and somewhat artistic. BUT - I can't think of anything to sketch, paint, write etc - so in turn I'm more on the depressed side. Bloody inspiration.

That's all really. Meaningless update, but mandatory.

James suggested I get a boyfriend - he obviously hasn't figured it out yet. Idiot.