30 April 2012 [Late post]

30 April 2012.

I feel ashamed, fat and horrible. I’ve gained 3lbs. I’m now 9 stone 3.4 and a whale. I can see the fat appearing places it wasn’t a few days ago, I can feel my jeans tighter and people looking at me. They must be thinking ‘Jesus, she’s put on weight!’

I’ve not eaten yet today and I am doing my upmost not to. I’ve only taste tested my soup so as not to fuck things up tomorrow. I need the grades and I can’t let my eating ruin this for me.

I’m here until 3.30 and then it’s on to work where the avoidance of food will be extremely hard to do, not because I will crave it, but because my grandma is there. Ryan’s tonight will be difficult as well – but I can’t give in. I have water, I have gum and I have my willpower – I need to remember what I am moving towards; 50kilos.

I have considered trying to banish my disordered eating for good, but what if I do and then I start not caring and eating like a pig? What if it’s true what they say; relationships put weight on you? I bought books, want to do out colour charts and pages to help me recorded things and get over this alone but I know it won’t work.  I just want this weight off; I want to be what I was before. I was so pretty, so thin and almost perfect.

I’ve been checking if I’m a good weight for my height and some charts tell me that I am slightly overweight and some don’t. I’m currently a BMI of 20.4 and so desperately want to be below 18. I don’t know which calculations to believe or which charts to read.

I don’t want to be made eat or looked at or watched. I just want to be left alone to do my own thing - yes I may be fucking with my future but I’d rather be skinny than a fat mess.

I’ve been fidgeting and chewing and drinking water as much as I can in order to lose some weight. I brought no money for food so I couldn’t buy it even if I wanted to. Think of the money I’ll save off food!? Think of what I can buy with that money!? And what if I totally give up the booze – think of the money saved and the calories?! But I am a young woman after all with a social group of drinkers. I enjoy the feeling of being extremely drunk – perhaps I can find some other way to get that feeling rather than having to consume the calories?

I need to step up my game and try harder. I can’t be a whale anymore.

I’ve stopped drinking coffee, started downing water and moving my hands and feet a lot more when sitting still. I’m going to cut out white bread from my diet, even if it’s all Ryan has in the house. No crisps – even diet ones. No fizzy drinks, no juice, no brown sugar in my tea and no ‘treats.’ Once you treat yourself it escalates into a binge.