I took a shower and I just sat there, in the warm water for about 15 minutes and cried. I don’t know what it was about. I just cried.
I feel so sad.
Sometimes I feel like my problems, what I am feeling and going through, aren’t real. That this sadness is just me being messed up. I feel like my mind is doing this on purpose. I don’t know what I feel.
I lie awake and think about it and then I don’t sleep. It’s sometimes too much.
Then today in glass all I could think about was stealing a surgical knife and hacking at myself until I could feel nothing. I haven’t felt that self destructive in a long time. I’ve been good and now I feel horrible.
I want to starve and bled and waste away. I don’t want to be here. But I don’t want to leave. This world is horrible.
Finally I realize I have only been in love the once. And it hurt so much that I can’t possibly let anyone that close again.
And it still hurts.
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