"One cannot spend forever sitting and solving the mysteries of one's history."

New blog with bits and pieces spaced out over time. I get annoyed by my lack of organization so, this blog tends to be the tidy one. The other - it's deleted. Goodbye, so long and thanks for all the mega-bites.

The above quotation is from 'Horseradish: Bitter truths we can't avoid.' written by Lemony Snicket.

02/02/2010

I have no reason to feel depressed.  I have no reason to self medicate or cut or starve in these last few days, and long may this feeling continue. But when it leaves - then what? 

If I could remember all I feel now and exactly how I am thinking then it would be one step in the right direction. But I won't; no one ever does. In those moments of hopelessness you can't see beyond the inner 'turmoil'. While in those manic highs you can see everything, even the smallest things, and you can dismiss the little nasty tit bits. 

I'm writing this now so that  when I'm not all there,I can look at this and remember this feeling. Or at least try. 

Note to self:

If things between you and Chaplin are over by the time you read this, then remember the happiness you felt. Remember the little butterflies in your stomach, that furious beat of your heart, that smile and laugh and giggle. Remember the 'less than sociably acceptable' conversations. Remember watching movies over the phone and commenting on Jude Law's agreeing face. 

Remember listening to The Clash at 5am, rearranging your CD collection at 6 and sleeping to The Ramones at 7. How about discussing Jesse Valo? Or even Ville? Remember being proud of Robert Downey Jr for getting this far, remember discussing jumpers and writing endlessly for hours at a time.

'I'm in love with you. There I said it, I'll go die now.' 

'Don't go die. If you do, I'll have to go after you.' 

Remember how sickishly happy you were. It was putrefactive - if that can even be used as an adjective in this situation.  Mystery Solving Husbands? Yeah, we were. Or wives.

Maybe you still are when you read this again.Maybe you just need to feel a lift. 

Remember, Chloe, that it really is the small little things that matter. You need to hold on to them if nothing else. You need them to make up the big picture. You need to stop moving so fast and, even as I write this, I am still moving much to fast. Your mind is whirring and jumping here and there and everywhere. 

You're a bit of a Peter Pan. You have the disorder of never wanting to get old. You want to save the world - but no one can. You want to believe that humanity isn't corrupted - but you can't. You hate people and most humans in general - but that's it. What can you do about it? Ce la vie.  

I really have made no sense in this at all, not even a bit, but getting this out onto screen is easier than holding it hostage in my head. 

Point is: We are alive and that's half the battle. 

When you're dealing with the devil praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. - Dan Dark in The Singing Detective.